5 Ways to Deal with a Competitive Co-Worker
I can still remember being in a new company many years ago and learning my way around the office. I had built a few new colleague friendships, which made me feel like I was starting to belong. Not everyone, though, was as welcoming as I might have hoped.
Over the next few months, I realized one of my colleagues saw me as competition. It showed up in backhanded comments in conversations, not sharing information, and calling out my mistakes in front of others. I wasn’t sure what I had done to them, or how to change the situation. I could tell they saw this as a zero-sum game, and there could only be one winner. The conflict started to get in my head and affect my work. After spending time trying to figure things out on my own, I eventually asked my boss for help.
When you’re dealing with a competitive co-worker, here are five things to consider.
1. Focus on Yourself
When things feel frustrating at work, you may be tempted to focus on all the things that aren’t going well. Concentrate your effort on your work and what you do appreciate about your role or team. Much like what you were told about people who were unkind on the playground: Focus on yourself and the people who celebrate you—and try to ignore the rest.
2. Cheer on Others
Make it a point to cheer on your colleagues or send them a note when they close a deal. This collaborative spirit is especially important for building relationships with co-workers, even those who don’t seem as collegial. Cheer on your colleagues because it’s a reflection of who you are as a person. I know how hard it can be to be kind when others are not kind in return. You don’t need to be over the top about it. A little kindness can make you feel better, too.
3. Get Curious
Be direct with the person who is competing with you. Address your feelings, and instead of getting defensive, ask questions. Try to understand where your colleague is coming from.
It could sound like, “Ben, it seemed like you were frustrated with my strategy presentation in this morning’s meeting. Can we talk this through?”
Something else to consider: Are you unintentionally giving off competitive vibes? It may help to clarify your intentions, so your colleagues aren’t guessing incorrectly.
Try saying, “I want to share my thinking on…”
4. Build an Alliance
When dealing with this competitive co-worker and others in my career, I’ve realized I have two options, I can clash with them, or I can figure out how to work with them. This is where workplace strategic alliances come in. Though it’s easier to build an alliance with someone you get along with, it might be even more important to do this with people you don’t. If you can find a common cause, goal, or interest (even just one), you can figure out ways to work together, rather than against each other.
You might initiate a conversation with, “Halley, I know we’ve had some challenges at work in the past, and I’d like to start again. Would you be open to meeting up for a coffee?”
5. Discuss with Your Manager
If you’ve tried to work things out with this colleague and it’s not resolving, do address it with your manager. Be prepared to bring specific examples and the things you’ve done to try to make things better.
Don’t say: “Laura is so competitive, and I can’t work with her.” Do say, “I’m having some challenges collaborating with Laura and I’d like to get your insights as my manager on how we can work together better.”
Your manager may not want to get involved directly, but they will hopefully offer suggestions on how to navigate the situation, and at least you’ve made them aware.
In the end, you can only control yourself, but you do have the power to influence the situation with a competitive co-worker to a more positive outcome. And that’s winning.