How to Let Go of Being a People Pleaser
Are you a people pleaser? A people pleaser is someone who’s driven to meet and exceed what they perceive to be other’s expectations for themselves. It’s a common trait, particularly in women. In many ways, we’re unconsciously trained to be people pleasers growing up based on the feedback we receive as kids. It’s then reinforced in the workplace where the stakes feel even higher to prove we’ve worth it.
People who have this drive to help are often seen as model employees and stellar friends, because they’re willing to say yes to projects and care deeply about people’s well-being and morale.
However, if you spend all of your time caring for others—or about what others may think—you barely have any time and energy left for yourself. Over time, you may feel resentful or undervalued.
Here are three ways to show you’re invested in others, without being a people pleaser.
1. Rely Less on External Validation
Looking back on my life, I spent so much time wanting to make other people happy; in part for them to like me. I thrived on compliments and recognition, so I worked hard to be in the position to receive them often.
Without this praise, I felt dejected and underappreciated. Instead of honoring for myself how hard I’d worked, or how well I knew things had gone, I turned over part of my happiness to other people.
Of course, it still feels terrific to receive recognition and compliments. I’ve stopped waiting and being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. As I became more confident, I filled more of my own needs. I realized I could praise myself.
Remember, you have many amazing qualities and people care about you, too. This isn’t always easy. Even when you’re the most amazing person, not everyone will like you all of the time—and you have to work to be okay with this. As a leader, it’s more valuable to be respected than liked.
2. Create Boundaries
It can be easy to get caught up in what it means to be the best leader, employee, or friend. When we focus on perfection, we set unattainable standards, and put others’ needs first.
Here’s an example of how I set realistic expectations. I’ve worked for plenty of managers who weren’t available or didn’t respond to emails, so something I value is responsiveness. So, I sometimes struggled with being too responsive at work. (My staff often expressed surprise at how fast I got back to them—but it happened at the expense of other projects.) Now I try to balance being supportive with responses to keep things moving forward and being present in what I’m doing.
A great leader knows that you can be accessible and make it a priority to focus on your best and highest use projects and work. To do this, you must create boundaries about your time and energy. In other words, you’ll need to say no gracefully. Remember: Saying no to something allows you to say yes to something else that matters.
3. Ask for Help
If you’re working on being less of a people pleaser, ask your team leader to support you. Your manager can help you prioritize your work and delegate to others or say no to projects.
You can also rely on a trusted friend or colleague, who can be a sounding board to help you practice and celebrate successes with you. If you share your goal, those around you will feel more comfortable pointing out to you how you can create better boundaries for yourself.
You’re not going to change this habit overnight. Celebrate that you care about the people in your life. This, in and of itself, is a wonderful thing.
When you prioritize serving others to the detriment of yourself, it’s important be self-aware that you have these tendencies. As you reflect on this, consider whether there are certain situations or people where you tend to feel the most need to say yes or agree. Lean on those around you for support in these situations.
People pleasing sometimes gets caught up in scarcity mindset. Embrace that you’ll get more chances, delegating is a chance for others to learn and grow, and you are honoring what’s most important to you instead of what’s important to others. You have so much to offer the world—and you can best do this when you’re making time for yourself and using your voice.